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I walk along a stone cliff. To my left is a mist, heavy and impossible to see through. A mist of nothingness. To my right, the cliff plunges down into darkness. I cannot see any bottom. Far out, far beyond reach is a ball of white light. It is the only true light in this world.

I stand on the cliff edge, looking at the distant light, yearning for it. It represents everything good, everything pure in the world. And surrounding it is black madness.

For years, millennia, I stand there on that edge, feeling the winds of absolute on my face. I know the light to be out of reach, and yet will not turn my back on it; to do so would be to turn my back on hope.

If only I had the courage I would leap from the edge. I know the light to be beyond the reach of a simple leap, but perhaps there is a way through the darkness. A path of belief.

But looking down, I hesitate. How many bones lay unseen at the bottom of the cliff? How many have leapt from the edge, only to discover their folly as they plunge into the darkness below?

Is the light reachable? Only one who had leapt from the edge would know.

In desperation, I look over my shoulder. The mist offers no light, but also no darkness. It is safe, without danger or hope.

Danger and hope... I chuckle as I idly wonder whether there is any difference between the two.

Movement in the mist catches my eye. A girl, perhaps ten years old, stands there, her blue eyes watching me. I smile at her but she doesn't react. Slowly she turns and walks away, her blonde hair fading into grey as the mist engulfs her.

I turn back to look at the distant light. Sometimes it seems closer, I think. For the thousandth time I wonder whether simply by waiting I might be able to catch it. But then I sigh, knowing that in the millions of years I've called to it, cried to it, never has it come close enough to reach.

Only ever close enough to call back to me.

Sometimes I wish I could rip its voice from my head and just turn to walk into the mist, such pain does it cause me. And yet... in spite of that pain, it comforts me. It gives me a reason to hope, something to strive for. Sometimes I talk to it, although as it is part of me I know what it would say anyway.

I keen as again it calls to me, seeming to shimmer closer than usual. It seems sad, as though it needs me as absolutely as I need it. Perhaps in its own strange way, it does.

Crying, I reach out to it, calling to it. I wish not to acquire it for myself; rather, I wish only to hold it, to comfort it.

But it makes no difference: we cannot reach each other.

Tears fall on the already tear-stained cliff as I cry. I wonder if it sheds strange tears of its own, but am unable to tell.

Clenching my jaw, I stand. This is it, I say. I will be without you no longer.

But I hesitate. My foot tries to lift, but with a silent curse I push it back to the ground, knowing full well that I have not the courage to take that final step, to give myself to the madness. Hating myself for it.

With a sad sigh, I sit on the cliff edge, looking at the light, yearning for it.

Days and millennia pass uncounted.

Such is my madness.

- me

*****
Firstly, the important stuff:

Discrimination, especially racism, will not be tolerated in this journal. Light-hearted, non-hurtful humor is allowed in this respect, but nothing more. "Those foreigners who take our jobs" are, from my experience, hard-working, determined people with more guts than most to be able to make a life for themselves in a foreign country without all the advantages that most non-immigrants think of as their god-given rights. They're often willing to work for less because it allows them to get a job. If anyone can give a good reason that that's their fault, I'm willing to hear it. My involvement in martial arts has exposed me to the Chinese community quite a lot, and I've found the vast majority of them to be very polite, courteous people. If you make racist or other discriminatory comments in my journal, you will be warned. If you continue to, you'll be removed from my friends list. It's that simple.

While I like to encourage people to voice the problems in their lives here so they can be supported by their friends, I have little patience for those who don't want their lives to be better. I would hope that those of you who know me know that I try my best to help people and to encourage self-growth, and I appreciate that some problems are long-term, and as long as people try to improve on them, I try my best to be supportive. However people who enjoy being miserable and have no intentions of progressing away from that, or those who delight in creating ridiculous amounts of drama, especially online drama, and then subjecting their friends to it, I really don't care for. You won't be removed from my friends list, but if it persists for too long you may be removed from my friends page view so I don't see your posts, so don't expect me to comment. I don't want this to give the impression of me being cold-hearted, but if you're willing to ask for help from others, I believe you should also be willing to at least try to help yourself.

Now for the fun stuff:

I'm a writer, (not professionally, not yet) and have been since I left school in 1995. My main work is my novel, the first of a fantasy trilogy. However I also write various short stories or chunks of them, poetry, and, ummm... "assorted other" ;)

In the land of work, I'm an automotive electronics technician - please note the difference between that and an auto-electrician! I fix the electronics in cars, from engine and transmission management computers to body control units to instrument clusters. I also fix automotive test equipment. I'd like to write full time, but as far as electronics goes it's a pretty decent job. Also gives me the opportunity to make things, something I always get a kick out of.

I've been doing photography for a couple of years now, and have just recently (as of January '07) bought myself a Pentax K100D digital SLR. Practice makes perfect - I'm not perfect, but I try to get a lot of practice in, and I'm slowly improving. For the past two years I've been one of a team of volunteer photographers at the Abbey Medieval Tournament in Caboolture, and plan on continuing doing so for as long as I'm able to.

I've studied martial arts since I moved to Brisbane in 2003. At my original school I studied the Wing Chun and Chou Gar styles of kung fu, as well as Wu style tai chi (which I learnt all six open-hand forms and taught as an assistant instructor) and traditional Chinese Lion and Dragon Dancing. I now study under a different instructor, still learning Wing Chun (a different style at a closed-doors school, under a student of Sifu Eddy Chong's) and I still learn tai chi where I can.

I'm also a keen cyclist. I've toured independently up 1,500km of Australia's east coast, as well as having done a number of 500-600km supported rides. As of July 2006, I've traveled approximately 15,000km by bike... that's about from here to New York. I have plans to cycle the US, Canada, New Zealand and ultimately, from Hong Kong to Tibet (my holy pilgrimage) as well as various other places. As of January '07, I upgraded from my faithful but very worn out Mongoose Alta to a nice shiny new 25"-frame Giant Yukon which I'm very happy with. I also own a 24" Santa Cruz Heckler, although it's living a long way away at the moment.

Although I don't actually classify myself as goth, I spend many a Friday or Saturday night (and varying amounts of the following morning) out at one of the local goth venues: the Arena, where lives Faith, Lovecats and Schverkraft. A great environment with some great people :)

My religion is very eclectic, something that equates to a blend of Paganism (originally focusing on Wicca), Atheism and Buddhism, and is something I take very personally and very seriously. I've found that to try to live life without belief is like trying to swim an ocean without getting wet - sure, you stay safe and dry but you never get to the far shore.

And I'm weird. I accept this, cherish it even. If people have a problem with this, well, that's their problem :p

And crazy? You bet.

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